Archive for November, 2003

fed up

Monday, November 17th, 2003

I don’t think people realize how fed up I am. I am so fed up, I want to tear my insides out. I am so fed up, I want to smash the first thing to come across me. I’m so fed up I could kill something. I’m so fed up of being the genious, but not being good enough. I am so fed up of not being good enough to myself.

I’m fed up of always being fed up. I’m fed up with not having a purpose in life. I’m fed up with not having a reason to live. I’m fed up with not being beautiful. I’m fed up with feeling like fat slob. I’m fed up with people telling me it’s ok, when it’s not ok. I’m fed up with people trying to tell me I’m good enough the way I am, when it’s not enough for me. I’m fed up with people trying to cheer me up when I don’t want to be cheered up. I’m fed up with being the one to call when in distress. I’m fed up with never being called just to say “hi, you wanna do something?”

I’m fed up with people having expectations. I’m fed up with people saying I don’t need to be any better than they expect me to. I’m fed up with the disappointment. I’m fed up with the hopes and wishes.

I need a break. I need people to give me a break. I want people to understand that it’s enough being a stupid, ugly, fat slob. I don’t need anybody to tell me anything. I know what I am. I know what I want of myself. And I know I want a break. I want people to give me a break. I want people to understand that I am fed up. I want people to understand just how fed up I am.

tired

Wednesday, November 12th, 2003

I just fell asleep for an hour. At work. I tried to read in the bus, didn’t work out, I came to work, and I fell asleep. A friend of mine came over yesterday and I helped her with her mathematics. And I got off early yesterday. Didn’t help me much, I was still only in bed after 1AM. I’m skipping school today as well. I’m just too tired, and I get pissed at the mere thought of having to go. So yeah, I’m not going. Let’s see if I could drag myself to the gym. There’s a Les Mills BodyBalance lesson at 19.15. I doubt it, but miracles do happen. But I’m going tomorrow anyway, so it’s not a huge loss.

I got Harry Potter and the Quidditch World Cup on PS2! I couldn’t resist, and now that I have it, I don’t regret it. It’s the best, and totally entertaining. I’ve already won the house cup with all the houses at Hogwarts, and also the world cup with England. Now I’m playing with the Nordic Team. It’s superfun.

I also bought Blood Canticle by Anne Rice, which I won’t have the time to touch until Christmas holidays, for sure. Then I bought The Alchemist, Lord of the Flies, Master and Margarita, and The Long Ships (it’s original title is Röde Orm, which means Red Snake, which is why I got confused with the name). In Swedish; I need to read for my Swedish class. And I bought a sweater. It’s beige.

Anyway. I flunked my maths test yesterday. I’m pissed, because the teacher gave us exercises for us to do, and I did, and none of the questions in the test had anything to do with the exercises. So I wasted my time reading stuff I didn’t need. And now I have to do it all over again. This is my first course in long mathematics and I go and flunk it. I’m on the verge of self-loathing. Yet I am so unmotivated.

Life sucks, man. I need my playstation. Now.

computers and else

Monday, November 3rd, 2003

A coumputer guy finally came to our computer, and not the other way around. As it was, the power shortage had caused the freezing. The new powercable fixed that problem, so they tried to put the soundcard back in, to see if we still could use the surround system we have. Figures, the sound problem came back. So now it’s a fact, that the Athlon processor/motherboard we have isn’t compatible with the SoundBlaster soundcard. But while we sent the computer to be fixed, several times, they failed to take the motherboard’s own soundcard into use. So the guy who came today did that, and now we can use the surround system. I’m overly happy, because this means the sound works, and it means that it works with the three different outputs, rear right and left, right and left, and center, which it didn’t after they took the SoundBlaster card out for the first time. And I thought it was me who caused all this hassle.

That’s only one less source of stress. I sleep too little, and I’m so tired at work and school. I’m trying to get back on track with the help exercise; I’m going to a gym class today after school, and tuesday, thursday, and friday. I’m still in terrible shape, I haven’t exercised much in the last year and a half. Not since I went to evening school, anyway. So let’s see how it goes, do I have the motivation to go to the gym four or five times a week. I know it will help my sleeping, and it will definitely get me in a better mood.

I think I’ve taken a bit too big of a bite. If someone ever tells you that going to two schools at the same time is easy, don’t believe them. It can be a bit easir if you don’t care about the outcome, but me being a super perfectionist…nah, it’s very near to hell. You just end up hating yourself for being lazy and not working enough.

On a lighter note, I actually found a new pair of trousers on Friday. I almost gave up after half an hour, when mom pulled out a pair of black semi-formal trousers from the rack. I kept saying my hip’s too wide for them (which it is, my ass is huge…), but figures they still fit, and there was even a bit room left for moving! So now I have black, and even good-looking trousers to wear at work. Now I only need new training overalls, and trainers. My old ones are all bloated after they’ve been washed a couple too many times.

I found out that there’s a Buffy game for Playstation 2. I don’t know when it was released in Finland, but there’s only been one for Xbox until now. Not only that, I want the Quidditch World Cup game, which is released this week, and the Return of the King game, which comes out later this month. And then there’s the Wolverine game, which I’ve heard is surprisingly good, and then the good old Indiana Jones in Emperor’s Tomb. I only want that one because I loved Fate of Atlantis. Very old school, but it’s very challenging to get through the clues and stuff.

This means only one thing. I need at least three new memory cards, though I would want one for each game, and I still haven’t got my additional controller. Each game is around 65 euros, and a memory card two-pack is 45 euros. The controller is a little under 50 euros. So yes, it means I won’t be getting them all, because I’m not that rich. And I would like to have the other consoles, GameCube (Zelda!!!) and Xbox, maybe gameboy advance as well. More games. :D Less money. :( (I don’t think I have enough room for all of them, but one can always dream…)

Heraldic Circle

Monday, November 3rd, 2003

Tired. Just posted to tell there’s a new layout at Heraldic Circle.

I’ll post the beautiful Halloween card I got from Anukk as soon as I find the energy to update a little more!